early morning reflections…

Author: lisa anne

  • no more starting over…

    i’m impatient…anyone who knows me just laughed at that, because it’s obvious… 😂so when i put my mind to something, i go after it, and going after it means doing all the things, every day, as quickly as possible so i can accomplish the goal…

    i would say i’m an all in or all out girly…and it’s how i get things done. 🥰 and while it’s been true in my work life, it is definitely not true for the rest of my life… 😂

    recently i got introduced to the concept of all or nothing thinking, and the idea that it comes from wanting to do things “perfectly”. i don’t know if it’s perfectionism or not…it seems to me that phrase has been co-opted to mean a lot of things i don’t think it means… 😊 and in the end it doesn’t matter to me what it’s called, it matters how it affects me…

    so let’s say my goal is to get back to running 8km a day…well then i need to get out every day and run, no matter what, and run until i can’t or i reach 8km.

    shin splints? pfft, keep going…

    recovery suffering? pfft, 8km, remember? let’s go…

    and of course that doesn’t work… 😝 i end up injured and taking weeks off to recover before starting again. and every time this happens, every time i miss a day, every time i need to sleep instead of run, i start over…i call it “getting back on track”

    and this is my life…over and over, every goal, every hobby, every passion. as you can imagine, i spend a lot of time telling myself i need to get back on track…

    what i didn’t realize was how that constant starting over was affecting my self talk…i never reflected on how it made me feel, and what i was chasing

    i was chasing perfection…all the rows of perfect gold stars in my head. i always wanted the gold stars in school too…chased them, while never quite being teacher’s pet because i “talked too much” and “needed to stay in my chair and not disturb others 😂 but of course i could never be perfect, and i beat up on myself pretty hard whenever i had to stop, rest, do something different…my self talk was a lot of “come on lisa, you can do it, you just gotta do better going forward” and i saw that as a good thing somehow? 🤷🏻‍♀️

    but this past weekend i made myself a promise…i am never fucking starting over again…ever!! 🥰 i have the rest of my life to achieve my goals, and no one is keeping score. and every step i take towards my goals is proof i am worthy of the gold stars in my head… ⭐️

  • seasons and reasons…

    everyone in your life is there for a season, a reason, or a lifetime…that’s what they say. i didn’t believe that in my teens and twenties…every loss felt like i had lost a limb, a vital part of myself. luckily for my younger self, i still count among my closest some of those friends from high school.

    i lost one about 15 years ago…we just stopped talking. i knew why i walked away, and it felt like such a betrayal at the time that i truly didn’t care if i ever heard from her again. that’s where i learned that closure and forgiveness could occur without the other person being part of it. but that wasn’t all i learned from that experience. i realized that the saying is true…that everyone is in your life for a season, a reason, or a lifetime, and that although at the time i thought my twin was a lifetime person, it was okay that she wasn’t. i also understood that every relationship is a good thing…that lessons are everywhere if you’re willing to reflect.

    i lost a newish friend last year. we met in 2020, and we were friends, but to my mind, we were more. she and i shared a friend that mattered a great deal to both of us, and i thought that made us a lifetime. it did not…but i’m still not sure if she was a season or a reason. was she a season, because in the end, our shared person was meant to become my lifetime? or was she a reason, because i learned things about myself? while i have moved on and forgiven, i have a few things i will never accept again…

    i won’t roll my eyes and stay quiet when someone tries to tell me how i “should” say things anymore. i am not you. and you didn’t bother to come from a place of understanding and curiosity…you came from a place of “if i believe it, then it is true.” my saying sorry often isn’t because i am weak, nor because i am a people pleaser. in truth, i have zero idea why you thought you should correct me. but in canada, we use sorry for a million things. it’s often a sign of compassion and understanding. and if you struggle to hear those words, that’s something you might want to reflect on. changing others isn’t the answer.

    i won’t keep quiet when i find out someone is trying to fix a “problem” they have decided i have. you aren’t helping people by telling them what they need to do to fix a problem you perceive. you are being rude. not only do you not have the “answer”, but you don’t get to decide if there’s a problem. i don’t have an issue with my social anxiety. i live a life i am happy with…have people i spend time with and talk to. i keep my circle small because i find peace and happiness that way. there’s a hubris in deciding that because you want a certain type of life, everyone does. my happiness and contentment are well known…and if i see a problem, i will go about finding a solution.

    i won’t accept friendships that are all about me listening and connecting, and you being connected with. if we don’t have anything in common, unless i show interest in all your interests…if there’s no back and forth, no shared, “omg, you like that?! me too!!” or, “hmm, that sounds cool, i’d love to check it out!!’ …then i’m out. every relationship requires the effort of both parties, and you were my first lesson of how things go when one person is trying and the other only wants friends who want to do the exact same things they want to do…

    and finally…and this one is less a lesson and more an in the moment wtf…if you delete me from social media, without even bothering to tell me why…i will never, ever answer a “hey, how’s things” message again. we are not friends…and that was the biggest lesson of all… no more being used because someone wants something from you…and no more convincing myself that they’re good people…because you might be, but not for me…

    you were a season for a reason i guess, and i thank you. life is both happiness and sadness, and i am grateful for the time we had and the lessons i learned. i wish you happiness and health, and that you find your lifetime too…

  • ~ do you have a favourite place you’ve visited? where is it?

    so first off…no reflection this morning, because we got our first snow of the season, and so instead of writing i was shoveling and running the snow blower. i love winter…didn’t use to, but seriously, it’s just so damn beautiful when it snows, just sayin’… ☺️

    and now to today’s prompt…the thing is, if you’d asked me say 20 years ago, i would have said hawaii, maui specifically, without hesitation. but i’ve realized something about myself over the years…i fall in love with places. every city, every country…they all have something to fall in love with, and most of the time you don’t even have to try…it just happens. so sorry prompt people, but choosing one place just isn’t possible for me… 🤷🏻‍♀️

    i won’t include every place i’ve been in this list, but i will choose a few of the places that had me at welcome ☺️

    as i said above…maui. i mean, lahaina feels like home to me…by the time i went for my honeymoon a long time ago, i had already been three times prior! i tried to convince my ex-husband that we could move there to raise our children…it’s just heaven, truly ☺️

    new york city. it’s so alive, so vibrant, and there’s always something new to do there. further, i am a huge musical theatre nerd, so it’s a natural fit. so many shows, so little time ☺️

    mumbai. like new york, it’s so alive and vibrant. there are people and cars everywhere, and you can’t help but feel excited and alive exploring the city. it has both beautiful natural scenery and great architecture, two things i’m a sucker for ☺️

    inverness. the natural beauty is second to none, although canada is right up there too. i felt at home there in a way i didn’t anticipate, and actually started looking at real estate after the first day there. what, dreamers can dream, no? maybe one day when i retire, you never know…

    i think that’s a good sized list, and includes a couple of my favourite big cities, and a couple of the smaller ones. trust me, i could go on and on…i haven’t even touched on canada in any detail ffs, and this country is insanely beautiful, just sayin’… ☺️

    have a great night and i’ll see you soon 💕💕

  • ~ five things i’m good at…

    i thought maybe in the evenings i’d try the prompt of the day. i don’t remember seeing that before, but it sounds like fun. although i guess writing in the evenings doesn’t fit with the name of my blog, but whatever… ☺️

    well the obvious one would be…i’m good at talking. ☺️ not small talk though…man, i am so fucking awkward at small talk…self conscious and anxious…my social anxiety rearing its head. but this is supposed to be what i’m good at…and i would say that i’m a really good talker once you know me well enough that we’ve progressed away from small talk. i love long winding conversations, debates, and even the occasional good argument, just sayin’ ☺️

    i have mad organizational skills! i mean…i have to be in the mood, i’m not running around organizing things all the time. and i don’t try and organize others…because who wants that? ☺️ but when i’m in the mood, i can make any space way more functional and easy to use, and i’ve gotten many compliments on it…mostly from myself, but so what? ☺️

    i’m good at writing papers…assignments at school i mean. i went back to take my psych degree a few years ago, and discovered that i really really suck at writing exams still, however my papers save my ass! i haven’t written a paper that gets less than an A, and often it’s an A+…so suck it exams, you can’t wreck me… ☺️

    i’m good at driving…everyone that gets in the car with me tells me so! mostly because i tell them first, as in, “do you realize i’ve been driving for 30 years and never had a single accident? it’s that defensive driving they taught us at young drivers, i swear!” 😂 but all that aside…all three of my kids have said they’ve never felt unsafe with me driving. as long as you don’t consider being speedy or as my dad used to call me, lady lead foot, to be bad driving, then i am in fact a good driver… ☺️

    and finally…i’m really good at starting projects, with such enthusiasm and excitement. i don’t have any problems getting motivated to learn or do something new. the only problem is, i wanna do everything, experience everything, and so am often running off to the next hobby that catches my fancy. but this is a list of things i’m good at, so we don’t need to focus too much on that, right? ☺️

    have a good night and i’ll talk to you soon 💕💕

  • there’s no such thing as right…

    this one took me so long to get…and when i did get it, it became the source of more fights than i think i’d ever had previously. crazy, isn’t it? to fully internalize that realization…that in the end, that feeling of “being right” was just knowing clearly what you believe and feel, and while good for you, it meant nothing in your day-to-day relationships. that the most important part was being able to see that to find peace you needed to be able to see clearly why the other person felt they were “right”…that in fact there’s no right, just different feelings and thoughts and beliefs.

    i’d spent so much of my life trying to convince people that what i had to say was in fact right…i’d gotten so good at it, or perhaps so bad at seeing others, that people just gave up…i was always right. people couldn’t fight me, so they told me i was right and the conversation ended. but if i was right, why did it leave me feeling as though i had lost? as though they didn’t really understand me or get me?

    my mom wanted the perfect family…from the outside looking in at least, and so i played my part, ignoring the hurt and pain i felt at the hands of my older brother…but at a cost. i always felt wrong, and i always felt like i was fighting for my life. everything was a hill to die on. it completely broke the relationship with my brother. i can’t speak to what he felt, but having reflected on it quite a bit, i think i have a pretty good idea. that atmosphere is where i learned that someone was always right, and fucking hell, it was going to be me…i was hurting and someone is going to see it and acknowledge it dammit!

    only when my mom passed in december 2016 did i give myself the freedom to choose who i gave my energy to…and that changed everything…slowly at first, but over time, as i grieved and healed, i saw my mistakes, saw the trauma response, and realized why i never felt seen or heard…because to have that relationship, fully and completely, you have to give it.

    holding space, walking in someone else’s shoes, taking care of the people in your life so they can take care of you…these aren’t just words…i realized that they were everything. if you’re fighting for yourself then what option does the other person have but to do the same? and if you’re both fighting so hard, who has the time to really listen and understand someone else? but if you’re both coming from a place of “i just want to fully understand and be there for my friend/partner/child/sibling/parent?” it’s a game changer, let me tell you. the relationship with my kids, while never bad, has only become healthier and more rewarding…and they are using the same approach with each other and i can see it working. the relationship with my friends, family, partner…they are all way more rewarding than before. and i feel at peace in a way i never thought possible back then…

    there’s no right or wrong in most instances… there are just people who come from different histories and experiences, people whose brains have their own filters and struggles. if you really want to know the people in your life, and you want them to know you…learn how to let go of your own needs a bit, and focus on making sure you are really listening to those you love…work on your empathy and understanding…put yourself in their shoes, feel what they feel…it’s been life-changing for me, just sayin’… ☺️

    my writing time is done for this morning, so the reason this realization led to more fights at the start will be a post for another day it seems… 🤷🏻‍♀️☺️

    have a great day and see you again soon… 💕

  • a fresh start…

    this space has been a lot of things…but most of all it’s been a place of regret. i could leave it all behind and start brand new…but this is my space, and i love it here. so going forward it’s going to be me, tea in hand as i sit in bed in the morning, reflecting and writing about life…lessons learned, things i’m working on, or have accomplished. it’s likely gonna bore ya to death, and i’m sorry, not sorry for that! 🙂 i have missed writing so damn much, so hopefully this time, i am here to stay…