this one took me so long to get…and when i did get it, it became the source of more fights than i think i’d ever had previously. crazy, isn’t it? to fully internalize that realization…that in the end, that feeling of “being right” was just knowing clearly what you believe and feel, and while good for you, it meant nothing in your day-to-day relationships. that the most important part was being able to see that to find peace you needed to be able to see clearly why the other person felt they were “right”…that in fact there’s no right, just different feelings and thoughts and beliefs.
i’d spent so much of my life trying to convince people that what i had to say was in fact right…i’d gotten so good at it, or perhaps so bad at seeing others, that people just gave up…i was always right. people couldn’t fight me, so they told me i was right and the conversation ended. but if i was right, why did it leave me feeling as though i had lost? as though they didn’t really understand me or get me?
my mom wanted the perfect family…from the outside looking in at least, and so i played my part, ignoring the hurt and pain i felt at the hands of my older brother…but at a cost. i always felt wrong, and i always felt like i was fighting for my life. everything was a hill to die on. it completely broke the relationship with my brother. i can’t speak to what he felt, but having reflected on it quite a bit, i think i have a pretty good idea. that atmosphere is where i learned that someone was always right, and fucking hell, it was going to be me…i was hurting and someone is going to see it and acknowledge it dammit!
only when my mom passed in december 2016 did i give myself the freedom to choose who i gave my energy to…and that changed everything…slowly at first, but over time, as i grieved and healed, i saw my mistakes, saw the trauma response, and realized why i never felt seen or heard…because to have that relationship, fully and completely, you have to give it.
holding space, walking in someone else’s shoes, taking care of the people in your life so they can take care of you…these aren’t just words…i realized that they were everything. if you’re fighting for yourself then what option does the other person have but to do the same? and if you’re both fighting so hard, who has the time to really listen and understand someone else? but if you’re both coming from a place of “i just want to fully understand and be there for my friend/partner/child/sibling/parent?” it’s a game changer, let me tell you. the relationship with my kids, while never bad, has only become healthier and more rewarding…and they are using the same approach with each other and i can see it working. the relationship with my friends, family, partner…they are all way more rewarding than before. and i feel at peace in a way i never thought possible back then…
there’s no right or wrong in most instances… there are just people who come from different histories and experiences, people whose brains have their own filters and struggles. if you really want to know the people in your life, and you want them to know you…learn how to let go of your own needs a bit, and focus on making sure you are really listening to those you love…work on your empathy and understanding…put yourself in their shoes, feel what they feel…it’s been life-changing for me, just sayin’… ☺️
my writing time is done for this morning, so the reason this realization led to more fights at the start will be a post for another day it seems… 🤷🏻♀️☺️
have a great day and see you again soon… 💕
early morning reflections… 